Nothing to show.....

It might be depressing to many to read my blogs as of late, but that's just the way life has been. I'm not blaming life for it, I blame myself for getting into such messes. Thank god for second chances, no wait, third chances that life gives you at times. Otherwise only God knows where I would be right now. I was just walking back into my apartment after a cigarette and it came to me....I feel like a ghost of me is just floating around touching a little bit of this and little bit of that. Nothing really is stable, nothing really is sticking. As it has been on so many occasions, I don't know where I'm going with this. But I remember a time when writing out what I'm feeling at a certain moment had a calming effect. Yes, I say "remember a time" because that's how long its been since those fleeting moments were actually something I owned. Now, I talk about as my accomplishments in the past, but what do I have to show for myself in the present. Anyways, I hope it gets better. I hope I do well on the steps, because it seems to me that transferring to my present Medical school is/was a bad idea. I'm trying to be optimistic about it, but I can't. I'm always sad and there are these tiny, but significant little windows of hope. The hope of doing well on the Steps and all will be well again in no time. I also hope that I can go for kuchi's birthday :(
She's an awesome person and I'm lucky to have such a sweet sister. I owe it to her for me to be there. That's why I hope I get a travel document to go to Barbados to get my passport. Hope it all works out.

Conflict

I don't know what I want to say through here, but what I do know is that I've been wanting to write something, anything even if its gibberish. For a very long time, I've eluded the other aspects of life which defined me back in the day. Even though I'm smiling and I'm having a conversation, I feel this emptiness inside of me. Its a constant "absent expression" which I cannot pinpoint to any one cause. On another note, this is some depressing words! Sorry readers, I've had some big messes in life as of late, but its nothing that cannot be fixed. Will be back to soon write something which makes more sense. Laterzz!

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After a year has past by and life has taken quite a turn, I humbly sit here to share a few of my thoughts and how they have changed as well, for the better or worse; that's for the readers to decide. I'm just going to put my thoughts onto paper and see if I feel any better. Its been a shitty few days , perhaps even weeks. I've been under a lot of stress lately. Usually, I'm not a complainer, but this lifestyle is getting under my skin and at times, driving me nuts. So, I thought to myself ,like ten minutes ago, how I would've dealt with such a feeling back in the day. I write and write and write to the point I exhaust all my feelings. Is it making me feel any better right now? No. I actually feel ridiculously clueless and waste of time. Instead , I'd rather finish off another lecture for histology. The thing is, that's not what I'm all about. I've lost myself in the past few months trying to please myself. Wait, let's rewind a bit..when I say please myself, I mean please others. I am a people person, fuck the modesty and all the formalities which go along with it. I like people and I take pride in my ability to be able to be there for anybody when they need me. It becomes a bitter experience when, instead of me doing it of my own accord, it becomes more like an obligation, a burden. That's when I become somebody and I begin to doubt myself. I give it all up till I got nothing else to give. Does that make me a selfish person? Does that make me a bad friend. I guess it does in people's eyes for I've raised the goddamn bar way too high . Never have I ever doubted myself as a person before coming to this island. Yes, I wasn't exactly too confident about myself but at least I didn't question my every move and motive. This island is evil........I wanna get out of here.

random thoughts :)

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Dear Mr. Blog and rest,
I have no thoughts...

a taco day

Dear Mr. Blog and friends,
bueno! I've learnt quite some espanol in these past few days. I haven't made conversation yet, but I have been able to understand some of the content which the other person is talking about. I had a very interesting day today in Monterrey today which began by eathing a lot of tacos. By the end of the day, I had consumed almost 15 tacos. They're just so tasty, I dont' think I can ever get over the taste. Anyways, I'm like ridicilously drunk right now and gotta wake up in a certain time. Tomorrow is our big trip into more southern Mexico and I really don't know what to expect. I'm excited! Aight, everybody, goodnight and I'ma write again very soon. Buenos noches.

The trip in a shell.

Dear Mr. Blog, I would write everyday, but so much is going on that at the end of the day all I wanna do is just flop onto the floor and simply pass out. Wake up to another day of craziness and randomness. My trip could be summed up into those two words. Ever since the moment Nick and myself crossed the border into Mexico, its been complete mayhem in both of our lives. Thank God for Nick accompyining me on this trip otherwise I would be in some foreign land where my best friends would be some tribal people in the middle of nowhere. His limited understanding of the Span:) I am learning too, but slowly and gradually. A little too slow actually for my own good, but oh well! I'm here to enjoy and keep the learning intrinsic factor back in Buffalo. At the border, they didnt' even check our id's or passports or ask us any questions. It was almost offending . All we had to was press a green light and pass through it like we're walking into somebody's kitchen. Nick, a.k.a. cracker befriended the wierdest ppl of all sizes and shapes. At the border , he made friends with this old woman, who was probably and alcoholic. Somehow , somewhere she showed us the way to the central bus station. Everybody's looking at us in the wierdest ways as if we're some foreign speices, which we are actually. I could go on and on about yesterday, but each day is an epic story.
Today began with Santiago and Anna taking us to the Technology campus and then went to work. So, we are on our own for like a good 8-9 hours , dudes! Picture this, two americans in the middle of a mexican district with limited funds and language knowledge. The campus was beautiful but what made it more attractive was the women. I have to be honest with you. I have never seen so many good looking girls in one place. Nick described it as a treaty signed between the U.S.A and Mexico to transfer all the good lookin 'uns to Mexico and get oil in exchange. Its somehting like that, Nick and myself hit on anything that looked remotely friendly. Honestly, the results were very positive, but not so positive as the girls we met elswhere in the city. These girls were ready to give up themselves, but ended up being seriously underage. Nick and me are tweedledum and tweedledee but not that intense. These girls were the cutest little things but they were 16 and 17.They would laugh at anything and everything, even though its the worst joke and it was in Ingles, which they had no idea about. Here we are all sad and dejected walking around the old part of city, when we here the english language. There's this random dude waving to us , beckoning us to go to him. So we do and he speaks good english . He ended up being a owner of a bar, a nice lounge, and he loved foreigners. At the end of it all, almost close to fifteen beers each and Nick got a phone number of this really beautiful girl. We were ridiculously wasted and the bar owner promised us free entree' with no reservation required for private louhge and drinks on the house.! Definitely gotta check this joint out next time I go there.
To stray away from what I was talking about, the weather is so similiar to a summer day in Calcutta. Maybe it has changed, maybe it hasn't. Its not only the weather, but the surroundings. The only thing missing in my book are the rickshaws and the auto-rickshaws. The people are so friendly, and never say no to a question about directions or just random questions by Nick. Monterrey is a huge city and one may think that we are conquering all of Mexico. In reality its not possible in a ten day trip. Each city takes more than just a day and we are taking our time with each district. Tomorrow we are probably going to climb and go for a bit of hiking to the mountain top of mount M. That's what it is called for some reason, the peaks are shaped like a crown with three stubs. Its called Chipinque, and its a very nice enviornment. We just sat in top of the top and took in the air. It was so quiet and the solitude was something I have craved for a very long time without realizing. At the moment , we are in Monterrey and we have travelled to the nearby cities like Savilla, Santa Catarina and many more. Each district is unique is in its own way. I took pictures but they are going to up only after I go back to Buffalo. It seems so distant , all of my life in New York. Everything that I do here is so surreal, I have to keep reminding myself that I am in a part of Mexico and its not a dream. I'm having a great time and forgot what water tastes like. So much beer all the time, and the house we are staying at, Santiago's house, his parents are awesome! They hosted a barbeque the other day, the food was delicious and stuff which I've never tasted. How could I forget to talk about the food. Nick and myself had taken a vow to not eat any generic franchise foods like KFC , Mcdonalds or BK, So far we are doing great and have stuck to our word. A upside to this bond is that we have had nothing but good food which I could not even think about or fathom. Something to do with corn, and I've had a lot of dishes with tortilla. You pretty much throw anything in the tortilla from pasta to meat to beans to spinach and cheese. Each option tastes better than the other which reminds me of Gorditas we had the other day. They were like crack on a plate. Ridiculoulsy tasty and plus their the most amazing munchie food. Sorry, White Castle , I gotta replace you on the number one spot. :(
Aight Im like sleepy n stuff, so gonna go to bed. Tell u more about my trip later :) hasta luego, perhaps manana . Buenos dias senor and senoritas.

Walking the walk :)

Hi there Mr. Blog and friends,
I'm walking the walk , finally, its really happening son. I'm gonna be dawning a gown for the first time in my life. I'm excited, and its kicking in slowly but surely. I mean so what if undergrad wasn't the success I had hoped for but nevertheless I kind of persisted and grinded through it. Like I had a choice, lol. In high school , we never had graduation ceremonies like the grand ones they got here in the country. Ours was pretty nice too, but it was more amongst ourselves kind of deal where the juniors would be responsible for setting a nice program where each senior would be honored with a cloth and a memoribilia. Cindy is responsible for losing my memoribila . I am so ashamed of myself for losing it. It was one piece of precious material which connected me to the school. There's not many ties left anymore besides the pictures which I have.
But anyway, I'm sorry, I stray away from the topic so much and so often. Its a bad habit of mine.
Yeah , it was pretty cool to go up on stage and give a speech. And the food at the end was simply a palate changing experience. I can still taste the tastiness of that meal, it was all bought from God knows where, coz the juniors would'nt tell us. And at the end of the night, it would be one drunken night on root beer :) Kidding, we used to sneak up to local bars on top of other hills and drink away for 2-3 rupees a fuckn mug :) Life was cheap and good.
I'm so relaxed right now, I had a good day of nothing to do kinda day. Played some cricket and I absolutely cannot wait to feel the pain in my bones and tissues tomorrow morning. Oh boy! Anyways, I'm totally psyched and nervous about my mum coming tomorrow . What is she going to think of everything that I have been surrounded for the past 5 years? Friends, environment, lifestyle... I am worried, but at the same time, I feel nice. Next few days are going to be pretty ridicilous. Pretty much, I'm gonna be on my feet like always till the time I go to bed. :) That's the way I like it. Congrats to my fellow graduate friends- Shyam and Nafisa. Cheerios fellows..im off to play some satellite poker .
Listening to some singles of Grateful Dead. I'm not a dead head.