Conflict

I don't know what I want to say through here, but what I do know is that I've been wanting to write something, anything even if its gibberish. For a very long time, I've eluded the other aspects of life which defined me back in the day. Even though I'm smiling and I'm having a conversation, I feel this emptiness inside of me. Its a constant "absent expression" which I cannot pinpoint to any one cause. On another note, this is some depressing words! Sorry readers, I've had some big messes in life as of late, but its nothing that cannot be fixed. Will be back to soon write something which makes more sense. Laterzz!

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After a year has past by and life has taken quite a turn, I humbly sit here to share a few of my thoughts and how they have changed as well, for the better or worse; that's for the readers to decide. I'm just going to put my thoughts onto paper and see if I feel any better. Its been a shitty few days , perhaps even weeks. I've been under a lot of stress lately. Usually, I'm not a complainer, but this lifestyle is getting under my skin and at times, driving me nuts. So, I thought to myself ,like ten minutes ago, how I would've dealt with such a feeling back in the day. I write and write and write to the point I exhaust all my feelings. Is it making me feel any better right now? No. I actually feel ridiculously clueless and waste of time. Instead , I'd rather finish off another lecture for histology. The thing is, that's not what I'm all about. I've lost myself in the past few months trying to please myself. Wait, let's rewind a bit..when I say please myself, I mean please others. I am a people person, fuck the modesty and all the formalities which go along with it. I like people and I take pride in my ability to be able to be there for anybody when they need me. It becomes a bitter experience when, instead of me doing it of my own accord, it becomes more like an obligation, a burden. That's when I become somebody and I begin to doubt myself. I give it all up till I got nothing else to give. Does that make me a selfish person? Does that make me a bad friend. I guess it does in people's eyes for I've raised the goddamn bar way too high . Never have I ever doubted myself as a person before coming to this island. Yes, I wasn't exactly too confident about myself but at least I didn't question my every move and motive. This island is evil........I wanna get out of here.

random thoughts :)

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Dear Mr. Blog and rest,
I have no thoughts...

a taco day

Dear Mr. Blog and friends,
bueno! I've learnt quite some espanol in these past few days. I haven't made conversation yet, but I have been able to understand some of the content which the other person is talking about. I had a very interesting day today in Monterrey today which began by eathing a lot of tacos. By the end of the day, I had consumed almost 15 tacos. They're just so tasty, I dont' think I can ever get over the taste. Anyways, I'm like ridicilously drunk right now and gotta wake up in a certain time. Tomorrow is our big trip into more southern Mexico and I really don't know what to expect. I'm excited! Aight, everybody, goodnight and I'ma write again very soon. Buenos noches.

The trip in a shell.

Dear Mr. Blog, I would write everyday, but so much is going on that at the end of the day all I wanna do is just flop onto the floor and simply pass out. Wake up to another day of craziness and randomness. My trip could be summed up into those two words. Ever since the moment Nick and myself crossed the border into Mexico, its been complete mayhem in both of our lives. Thank God for Nick accompyining me on this trip otherwise I would be in some foreign land where my best friends would be some tribal people in the middle of nowhere. His limited understanding of the Span:) I am learning too, but slowly and gradually. A little too slow actually for my own good, but oh well! I'm here to enjoy and keep the learning intrinsic factor back in Buffalo. At the border, they didnt' even check our id's or passports or ask us any questions. It was almost offending . All we had to was press a green light and pass through it like we're walking into somebody's kitchen. Nick, a.k.a. cracker befriended the wierdest ppl of all sizes and shapes. At the border , he made friends with this old woman, who was probably and alcoholic. Somehow , somewhere she showed us the way to the central bus station. Everybody's looking at us in the wierdest ways as if we're some foreign speices, which we are actually. I could go on and on about yesterday, but each day is an epic story.
Today began with Santiago and Anna taking us to the Technology campus and then went to work. So, we are on our own for like a good 8-9 hours , dudes! Picture this, two americans in the middle of a mexican district with limited funds and language knowledge. The campus was beautiful but what made it more attractive was the women. I have to be honest with you. I have never seen so many good looking girls in one place. Nick described it as a treaty signed between the U.S.A and Mexico to transfer all the good lookin 'uns to Mexico and get oil in exchange. Its somehting like that, Nick and myself hit on anything that looked remotely friendly. Honestly, the results were very positive, but not so positive as the girls we met elswhere in the city. These girls were ready to give up themselves, but ended up being seriously underage. Nick and me are tweedledum and tweedledee but not that intense. These girls were the cutest little things but they were 16 and 17.They would laugh at anything and everything, even though its the worst joke and it was in Ingles, which they had no idea about. Here we are all sad and dejected walking around the old part of city, when we here the english language. There's this random dude waving to us , beckoning us to go to him. So we do and he speaks good english . He ended up being a owner of a bar, a nice lounge, and he loved foreigners. At the end of it all, almost close to fifteen beers each and Nick got a phone number of this really beautiful girl. We were ridiculously wasted and the bar owner promised us free entree' with no reservation required for private louhge and drinks on the house.! Definitely gotta check this joint out next time I go there.
To stray away from what I was talking about, the weather is so similiar to a summer day in Calcutta. Maybe it has changed, maybe it hasn't. Its not only the weather, but the surroundings. The only thing missing in my book are the rickshaws and the auto-rickshaws. The people are so friendly, and never say no to a question about directions or just random questions by Nick. Monterrey is a huge city and one may think that we are conquering all of Mexico. In reality its not possible in a ten day trip. Each city takes more than just a day and we are taking our time with each district. Tomorrow we are probably going to climb and go for a bit of hiking to the mountain top of mount M. That's what it is called for some reason, the peaks are shaped like a crown with three stubs. Its called Chipinque, and its a very nice enviornment. We just sat in top of the top and took in the air. It was so quiet and the solitude was something I have craved for a very long time without realizing. At the moment , we are in Monterrey and we have travelled to the nearby cities like Savilla, Santa Catarina and many more. Each district is unique is in its own way. I took pictures but they are going to up only after I go back to Buffalo. It seems so distant , all of my life in New York. Everything that I do here is so surreal, I have to keep reminding myself that I am in a part of Mexico and its not a dream. I'm having a great time and forgot what water tastes like. So much beer all the time, and the house we are staying at, Santiago's house, his parents are awesome! They hosted a barbeque the other day, the food was delicious and stuff which I've never tasted. How could I forget to talk about the food. Nick and myself had taken a vow to not eat any generic franchise foods like KFC , Mcdonalds or BK, So far we are doing great and have stuck to our word. A upside to this bond is that we have had nothing but good food which I could not even think about or fathom. Something to do with corn, and I've had a lot of dishes with tortilla. You pretty much throw anything in the tortilla from pasta to meat to beans to spinach and cheese. Each option tastes better than the other which reminds me of Gorditas we had the other day. They were like crack on a plate. Ridiculoulsy tasty and plus their the most amazing munchie food. Sorry, White Castle , I gotta replace you on the number one spot. :(
Aight Im like sleepy n stuff, so gonna go to bed. Tell u more about my trip later :) hasta luego, perhaps manana . Buenos dias senor and senoritas.

Walking the walk :)

Hi there Mr. Blog and friends,
I'm walking the walk , finally, its really happening son. I'm gonna be dawning a gown for the first time in my life. I'm excited, and its kicking in slowly but surely. I mean so what if undergrad wasn't the success I had hoped for but nevertheless I kind of persisted and grinded through it. Like I had a choice, lol. In high school , we never had graduation ceremonies like the grand ones they got here in the country. Ours was pretty nice too, but it was more amongst ourselves kind of deal where the juniors would be responsible for setting a nice program where each senior would be honored with a cloth and a memoribilia. Cindy is responsible for losing my memoribila . I am so ashamed of myself for losing it. It was one piece of precious material which connected me to the school. There's not many ties left anymore besides the pictures which I have.
But anyway, I'm sorry, I stray away from the topic so much and so often. Its a bad habit of mine.
Yeah , it was pretty cool to go up on stage and give a speech. And the food at the end was simply a palate changing experience. I can still taste the tastiness of that meal, it was all bought from God knows where, coz the juniors would'nt tell us. And at the end of the night, it would be one drunken night on root beer :) Kidding, we used to sneak up to local bars on top of other hills and drink away for 2-3 rupees a fuckn mug :) Life was cheap and good.
I'm so relaxed right now, I had a good day of nothing to do kinda day. Played some cricket and I absolutely cannot wait to feel the pain in my bones and tissues tomorrow morning. Oh boy! Anyways, I'm totally psyched and nervous about my mum coming tomorrow . What is she going to think of everything that I have been surrounded for the past 5 years? Friends, environment, lifestyle... I am worried, but at the same time, I feel nice. Next few days are going to be pretty ridicilous. Pretty much, I'm gonna be on my feet like always till the time I go to bed. :) That's the way I like it. Congrats to my fellow graduate friends- Shyam and Nafisa. Cheerios fellows..im off to play some satellite poker .
Listening to some singles of Grateful Dead. I'm not a dead head.

The world will be mine

As I close my eyes, I envision this future of mine where I am the painter of my own destiny. I draw out every door I want to enter and erase the ones I will never need. There will come a time when things will be done my way and not give a second thought as to what others think. There will be no bars, no barricades and no barriers between me and my passion. All my life, I have been restricted to the minimal simply because the situation, be it financial or some other, have dictated on how I should be living my life. There is an end in sight, and I believe that I have seen it, be it vaguely. I will follow my dreams and will fulfill all that I ever wanted to accomplish. There is more to me than what meets the eyes. I want to be somebody in this world and being famous is not the only way to do that. I want to make a difference by helping others achieve what they are unable to themselves. There is a bit of a selfish motive to my goals. I have not felt a sense of accomplishment till today. The only way to achieve this is, at least for me, is to help others. It might sound high and mighty, but I've realized this about myself. There is no big paycheck waiting for me at the finish line but I am quite convinced there is something bigger than that which can provide equal amount of happiness if not more.
This is all well till the fact kicks in about the road which I want to take to meet those goals. Its so long and tedious. Am I really up for such struggles? I have scraped through so far somehow with the constant tug of doubt, uncertainty and fear. The Mexico trip will be one of simple relaxation and letting go of all my thoughts and actions. I will come back from the vacation hopefully rejuvenated to tackle the next phase of my life. :)
I'm still in Capen slogging away at those notes, which I love, ever so dearly. The last exam of undergraduate to ever study for and yet it does not fill me with any sort of excitment. Get on facebook, and the status updates pretty much scream the same shit- " last exam for undergrad, last class for undergrad..." I am happy for them, but I envy their joy. Where do they get it from? One half of my conscious asks the question, the other half immediately has an answer. Its their success. What do I have to show for these past 5 years? I have had extremely good friends who calling friends would be an insult. They have become more of a family than some of the people I have known all my life. I don't have an answer for that just yet. I am extremely tired and exhausted. So I'ma go back to them notes. Good night sleepyheads..... :) tomorrow will be a better day, let it be a better day.

not quite there

Hey Mr. Blog and friends,
Just came down to my room after drinking a few beers. I think I needed it, its been a long day of exams and then studying again for another which I got day after tomorrow. Technically tomorrow, but who the hell gives a shit about technicality. It makes me feel better to think of the exam being day after and that's the way its going to be. :) Can you tell I'm not in my right mind at the moment , well, reader, you've guessed right. I'm not , and in more ways than one. And how do I deal with all that stress and strain? I just let it run its course, while I am simply going to play "Wish You Were Here" and going to sleep. Good night ya' all. I had a lot of things to write about which I thought during the day, but as the light becomes dark, so does my thoughts, which sink into oblivion only to be replaced by new ideas. The vicious cycle is a never ending one.
I was in Capen today as I was for the past few days. There was a notable difference in the atmosphere which was calming but at the same time it did feel a little strange like something was missing. Every other day its just a bad day at the fish market with people all over the place doing their thing. When I say thing, I mean anything but studying. Settling scores over the phone, making out in public, snoring, laughing, crying, screaming, hustling and tons of other activities. Today, there was this sort of tranquility in the atmosphere and it made you want to study. I wish libraries were always like this- not too quiet , neither too loud, just right. Just like the Goldilocks and the Three Bears story. Good night everyone. :)

Ramblin' on....

Hey there Mr. Blog and friends,

Here Iam , rotting away in Capen trying to make so many "wrongs" right. The price of not looking through notes, not attending classes and complete oblivion to the world of books is a very severe one. I am feeling the brunt of in every cell of my body. But , that's ok. I will live, as I mentioned before that last minute studying is what I've known all my life, and tonight is no exception. Shit happens, what can I say, I'm a busy man.

Read a few nice articles on Satyajit Ray on links provided by Wikipedia. The gentleman was, in my books, an icon of accomplishments and creativity. I had grown up reading his children's books of the famous characters of "Feluda" and "Professor Shonku". I have vivid memories of going to the theater with my dad to watch the doings of Goopi and Bagha on silver screen. The man is truly a genius. The "Apu" trilogy is a remarkable epic of the world seen through the eyes of a young boy " Apu". Such complex thoughts depicted through such simplicity. Through this movie, he has voiced my personal thoughts of what I used to feel, touch, see and hear when I was a little boy. The uncomplicated act of a mail-train passing by and the awe with which my friends and I used to follow it with our sights is truly a hard act to document. Mr. Ray has accomplished just that. To reminisce(my spelling is way out line), there was a moment when I was little, I took immense joy in stealing my uncle's bicycle and just biking away down the gravel path past the marshes, past the infinite amount of rice paddies. I used to travel miles without even realizing. Living in the U.S. prior to that,I never really experienced the definition of real freedom.Cycling away in the village roads of Kolkata I engulfed every little thing around me. I distinctly remember the smell of the wet ground after the "Boisakher Jhor" and getting wet in the rain without a care in the world. How did we manage to complicate our lives so much? I guess that is the way of the world and that's the way cookie crumbles ;>

Good night :)

The battle of certainty against uncertainty.

Dear Mr. Blog, today was a day of mixed accomplishments. I actually figured out exactly what I am going to be doing in the next few years, but you know what the irony is...Its that I'm still uncertain on what I'm going to be in the next few days. Wether I'm going to graduate or not is such a big question right now. It all depends on the next few days and I'm not taking it very seriously. I think its time for be to buckle up and really take the last high road. Good luck to me! Figured out all the plans to going to Mexico, I'm getting more and more psyched day by day. Hope I don't implode :) I talked to this really cute girl today in Capen. Well, I saw her before when we worked with Habitat for Humanity. She's really pretty but a graduating senior. I had this strong urge to ask her out. I mean, what could I possibly lose , right? But, I didn't do it, I don't even know her name, instead I questioned myself as to "what is the point?" What is the point of asking her out if I'm never going to see her again in two weeks. What is the point of anything , Atanu? I'm such a hopeless romantic, sigh.
Ugh, today, I listened to Jesh and went to eat some buffet lunch at Tandoori's. The worst food I've eaten, I could seriously better food than that any day. Its not only the quality which pissed me off, it was also the fact that I ate so much. It pretty much killed half my day coz I got so lethargic. Never again, even if I come back after 20 years, am I eating in a desi restaurant here in Buffalo. There is not even a single restaurant which comes close to the worst desi food in Jackson Heights. I certainly hope that they improve their quality.

Murphy's Law

hey there mr. blog and others, I am the classic example of Murphy's Law, which is if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong. There is no escaping it, there are no roundabouts. I am the ultimate epitome of such. Why? Just because.... :) I am tired and hence Good night...

Not quite there...

I am not tired but not quite ready to sit down and hit the books for tomorrow's exam. The party mode in my system is still on and it shows no sign of calming down. I have an exam in less than 12 hours and I haven't even started studying yet. Then again, when is this is an unique scenario? As I've said countless other times, If I try to rewind my life back , there has not been a single time when I have actually began to study a few days in advance. I just can't do it, its not me. Last minute studying is what I do, sometimes it works for me, sometimes it doesn't. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping that it would work tonight. Anways, it was a fun weekend, a real fun weekend. Literally there were no dull moments. The moment Abdul , Nora, Siam stepped into the door, it was a good time guaranteed. There awesome, and moreover, they give us buffolanians a fresh perspective, a fresh breath of air and a non-conventional way of having fun. The concert was nice, although I was blazed out of my mind. Duo Lounge really came through for us. It was a nice little lounge and the music was good. The only problem was though that there were not very many other people there so we moved on to dear ol' Level. I would very much preferred to stay at the Lounge, but not having a couple of new faces for the others strikes them wierd I guess. So , here I am, going to pull an all-nighter, so I thought lets relieve some stress by writing this shit out. There was a time in my life, when writing was my outlet , my form of letting go when everything was going wrong in my life. I need to get that back, and I am going to use this blog to achieve that. Laterz Mr. Blog and others. Listening to some Ambient chill music to soothe down the transition.

scribbles

What's going on Mr. Blog and everbody else? I had a productive day today, I feel good. I helped out at this renovation site to reconstruct a house and it was in association with the Habitat for Humanity organisation. I would like to take more of these opportunities and utilize them to better myself.
I am ridicilously sleepy right now coz in the past two days I slept a combination of three hours. The cutest thing though, I did take a snooze in the evening and Bailey slept beside me. He is sooo adorable. Aight, I sound gay...Bailey is an aight dog :) I'm missing hanging out with my dearest friend already, you know who you are :( although its been only a few hours. Finally, the fact that I'm graduating is kicking in and that nothing ever is going to be the same from hereonforth is very eerie. Undergrad life was such a secure lifestyle, one lives in their bubble and doesn't need to come out of the cocoon. Well, all that is going to be the past for me real soon. Just gotta embrace the change I guess, something I'm quite good at with the experience of changing school more than 5 times before reaching college.
Anyways, gotta hit the sack. LOOOOOOOOOng day tomorrow of fun and games as well as a bit of studying to do as well. Passing out to the album of "An American Prayer" by Doors.

riddle riddle everywhere...

hello mr. blog and everybody else...the hours of the day pass by like their pocket change. I woke up in the morning from this ridicilous nightmare, and it was really scary. I staggered up to find my heartbeat soaring above normal. It really frieked me out, and I tried to recall the events but to no avail. A bosom bud of mine told me a crazy fact today about dreams and that it was actually in black and white. We wake to fill it up with colors. Amazing how many different ways dreams could be interpreted. I don't think there will ever be a set theory on exactly how a human brain produces dreams. The day we do is the day that human beings can sit back , relax, pop open a beer and say that " We have achieved the ultimatum of knowledge and there is nothing else to discover and unearth".

Saw the Nuggets game today against Lakers. I was really nervous and now I'm pissed at the way they just filled up with turmoil and confusion in the fourth quarter. At this rate, I feel bad for the Golden State Warriors who would've fared better against the Lakers. Shiva said the right thing, that Iverson needs to stop working so hard, and pass it around. Then again, he does, and look how the Nuggets have fared.

I've been thinking about these four lines from a old Limp Bizkit song-

I'm an idiot , A Loser, A Microphone abuser.....I analyze every second I exist, beating up my mind, every second with my fist.....

so true for my character......you know what , fuck analyzing myself, nobody's perfect. I got issues, what!

:) aight, gotta sleep a lil', somebody's meeting her mommy in the morning . I'm excited about my mum coming to b'lo too! Listening to Pink Floyd, the Echoes album and passin out....

smellin of grease and pizza

hello mr. blog, made some good money today, definitely going to put in the bank tomorrow. Otherwise, you know cash never stays, somehow somewhere they just dissapear dollar by dollar. It was Earth Day and I have nothing to show for it, absolutely nothing. I feel kinda bad and guilty, but I'm definitely gonna do something about in the next few days. I've been seeing this gopher dead in the middle of sweet home road for the past few days, it makes me queasy to see everytime I drive by it, and today I avoided the road all together and took niagara falls blvd. One part of me wants to at least it give it a nice resting spot beside the road, but another side of me, the useless side says no and tells me to let it be. Poor gopher, who the hell asked you to jump in front of a car, you should know better than that. We human beings are cruel beings, we stop for nothing and nobody. The kind ones are a rare exception and are hard to come by.
Today I visited the projects to deliver some food, even the dog n the cats are eerie over there, giving you the stare down if you ever go...somehow they seem to recognize who's from the hood and who's not.lol....aighty then, I shall be heading off to bed after watching maybe an episode of scrubs or 70's show. Listen to Michele Adamson's seventh son....great beat...aight, maybe I wont' sleep just yet, I just registered for a poker tourney :) good luck to me.

saw a long lost friend today...

Hello Blog. I went to drop Shro off and guess who I saw? It was Jack, who I saw grow up and now he's all huge and mighty. Jack's image of being a lil pup and just running around the house endlessley was what was stuck in my head all this time. He was so reserved, quiet and had an aura of wisdom around him, lol. And Bailey(who was also present) was acting like a lil' baby, which by the way, he is just 8 months old. He was so jealous everytime Shro or me patted Jack. Wow! bailey would do just about anything to get our attention. What a mutt! lol....pickin a fight with a dog 10 times his size. Why are all the smallest things the most aggressive and violent things?
Anyways, got friggin 10 hours of pizza delivery to do, so, I need 'em rest. Goodnight...listening to Moby and passin out. Goodnight daffy ;)

titbits

This is going to be the first of many posts in the days , weeks and maybe even years to come. The countdown to graduation has begun for me, and I gotta say, it is quite a scary feeling. There's always this tingle in my stomache. Anyways, had a nice evening, did a little bit of everything including the "good stuff" :) to top of the night. aight, good night mr. blog and others .